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아직도 그리운 나의 엄마

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작성자 박주원tung333 작성일20-04-11 20:51 조회374,361회 댓글2건

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문득문득 엄마가 이제 계시지 않는다는걸 느낄때가 있다.

시끄러운 소리에 잠을 깨어보니 자명종만 울리고있을 때,

느지막히 집에 돌아와도 여전히 어둡기만한 거실을 바라볼 때,

방에 불을 켜두고 잠이 들어도 여전히 꺼지지않은 형광등을 보며 잠이 깰 때,

이젠 더이상 집에 오시지 않는 동네 아주머니들을 길에서 마주칠 때,

왠일인지 가실 때 즈음이 되어서야 그렇게 찾으시던 번데기 장수를 마주칠 때,

가신지 벌써 2년이 되어도 문득문득 엄마가 그리워지게하는 그런 순간들을 본다.

나는 몸살에 걸렸다.

집에 들어와 고개만 꾸벅거리고는 곧장 방에 들어가서 자리에 누워버렸다.

젊은 나이에도 몸살쯤에 끙끙거리며 누워있는 나를 질책하고 있던 내 어두운 방문을 여신건 당신, 엄마였다.

당신이 그리도 아프셨으면서 그저 하루이틀이면 나아질 내 이마를 말없이 쓰다듬어주시던 엄마.

잠든척 그저 엄마의 손을 받기만 하고있던 난 그날 밤새도록 울지 않을 수 없었다.

그 눈물마저도 이젠 보여드릴 수 없을 나의 엄마.

 

엄마가 암이셨던건 한참후에나 알았다.

그저 조금, 이번엔 그저 평소보다 조금 더 아프실 뿐이라고 이리저리 놀러다니기만을 좋아했던 나 자신을 합리화 하려던 나.

언젠가 병원에서 엄마와 함께 전설의 고향을 보면서 〃이제 엄마도 저렇게 가게 되겠구나〃 하시던 말씀만으로도 알 수 있었을텐데,

난 마지막까지도 엄마에겐 그저 응석받이 어린애일 수 밖엔 없었다.

 

가끔 엄마가 보고싶어서 마음이 한껏 답답해 질때가 있다.

엄마의 대답이 듣고싶어서 지갑속의 사진을 멍하니 바라보고만 있을 때가 있다.

뒤를 따라 시장에 갈때면 〃좀 펴고 다녀라〃시며 등을 치시던 엄마의 손에 다시 맞고싶어질 때가 있다.

그러면서도 이제는 조금씩 엄마와 함께있던 기억들에서 멀어져가는, 엄마의 손을 잡고 걸어가는 아이들을 보면서 모르게 눈물삼키는 그런 일들이 잦아들어가고 있는 나를 느끼게 된다.

장례식때 어른들이 말씀하시던 〃산사람은 살아가게 마련이라〃 말을 이젠 더이상 부정할 수가 없다.

 

나는 엄마라 부른다.

어머니라고 한번도 불러드린적 없었고, 이제 계시지 않더라도 당신을 부를때면 늘 엄마라 불러드린다.

누군가 다시 그 자리에 대신할 사람이 있다하더라도, 죄송스럽지만 나 그분을 어머니라 할 순 있어도 엄마라 부르진 못할것같다.

내 이십 몇년의 기억속에서 언제나 그림자처럼 내 뒤에 서 계셔주셨던 엄마.

 

엄마, 나의 엄마.

 

누군가가 이십 몇년의 삶에서 가장 사랑했던 한 사람을 꼽으라면,

그리고

이제 남은 그 얼마간의 삶에서 가장 보고싶은 한 사람을 꼽으라면,

 

아직도 그리운 나의 엄마.

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